What is coercive control?
Coercive control is the invisible architecture of abuse: the framework of abusive relationships, corrupt organizations, broken systems, and fascist governments.
It’s not just physical violence and war.
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It can look like domination by a thousand cuts: silent punishments, constant monitoring, isolation, threats, covert sabotage, and fear-mongering masquerading as concern or protection.
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​Legally defined in many jurisdictions as a form of domestic abuse, coercive control is a persistent pattern of behaviors used to dominate, isolate, and manipulate a partner. It often precedes or replaces physical violence, making it harder to detect—but just as dangerous.
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When we unmask coercive control in our personal relationships, we can then see how coercive control operates on a large-scale in our systems, corporations, and governments. And when we see the truth, we have the power to change the world for the better, for our children.
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Cliche in the best possible way:
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changing the world begins in our hearts and in our homes.
Why It Matters
Coercive control is the primary tool of abusers in domestic violence, reproductive coercion, and trafficking situations.
It doesn’t always look violent—but it always aims to dismantle autonomy.
This is the kind of abuse that makes a survivor question their own sanity, fear their freedom, and remain trapped without visible chains.
Common Tactics
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Surveillance (“Where are you? Who are you with? Send a picture.”)
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Gaslighting (“You’re crazy. You imagined that.”)
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Emotional punishment (“You’ll never see the kids again.”)
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Financial restrictions or sabotage
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Isolation from friends, family, or support
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Threats of legal action, exposure, or career harm
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Denying or minimizing past abuse
Survivors experiencing coercive control are more likely to be killed by their partners than those experiencing physical abuse alone.
(source: U.S. Department of Justice, 2020 DV homicide risk analysis)
“Coercive control is the use of strategies that strip away a victim’s sense of self, liberty, and safety without necessarily leaving a bruise.”
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—Evan Stark, Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life
What It Looks Like When You Challenge Control
Trigger Warning​!
The following screenshots contain explicit language, verbal abuse, threats of violence, and language that may be disturbing or triggering to some readers.
I’m sharing them because too many survivors are forced to explain abuse that happened behind closed doors—re-traumatizing both to re-live and to feel dismissed by so many who don't want to believe the truth.
This is what emotional abuse and coercive control can look like in a text thread—with a person you once trusted. This is how an abuser responds when their control is threatened.
These messages were sent to me after I stayed out with friends after work—something that was rare for me at the time. My partner was away on what I later suspected was a trip to engage in infidelity. When I returned later than expected, this is what I received. Even now, it is difficult for me to not provide further context, because years of abuse has conditioned me to feel like I need to defend myself for basic respect. But what I would say to a loved one or a therapy client is this: nothing you did justifies the abuse.
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I have removed identifying information, not because I owe protection to the person who sent these—but because I want the focus to remain on the pattern and on the tactics, not the person.
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Breakdown of Coercive Control Tactics in the Messages
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Surveillance &
Forced Accountability
“With who send me a picture.”
“Didn’t you tell [babysitter] 10 pm?”
These are not innocent check-ins. He’s demanding proof of my location, as if my word isn’t enough. By invoking the babysitter, he tries to catch me in a “lie” to justify his rage. This is monitoring and interrogation, often used to police a woman’s freedom of movement and erode her confidence.
“Makes me feel terrible.”
“Thanks for confirming what I always knew.”
“Unbelievable you can’t answer me.”
This isn’t vulnerability—it’s manipulation dressed as hurt feelings. He implies I’ve deeply betrayed him by being unavailable, twisting the situation into a narrative where he’s the wounded one, and I'm the betrayer in this instance.
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Emotional Guilt & Manufactured Betrayal
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Dehumanization &
Verbal Abuse
“I hate you.”
“Disgusting person.”
“Fucking absolutely garbage.”
“Piece of fucking shit.”
"You're a fucking clown..."
"You don't deserve a thing."
This isn’t venting. It’s a deliberate erosion of personhood. These statements are designed to humiliate, degrade, and break my spirit. He wants to punish me psychologically until I internalize the idea that I'm “unworthy.”
“I wish I was home to meet you when you got home.”
“Going to fucking bury you and it’s going to feel so good.”
“There is no excuse… I can’t wait for this I’m going to ruin you.”
"You don't get it you're fucking finished."
"I can't wait to get home tomorrow... Hope you can go stay wherever you were tonight when you weren't answering."
These are thinly veiled threats of physical violence and emotional annihilation. Whether or not he “meant” them in a literal sense, they are designed to instill fear, suppress defiance, and reinforce his dominance. In a 2008 analysis commonly cited in legal scholarship found that in about 20% of domestic homicides, the murder was the abuser's first physically violent act, yet all of those cases were preceded by patterns of coercive control. In other words, coercive control is more predictive of fatal outcomes than physical violence.
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Threats to Safety
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Parental Alienation & Custody Threats
“The kids are mine.”
“Enjoy the next 12 hours… you likely won’t see them much ever again.”
“I’ll tell your lawyer and work who you really are.”
"I'll be sure our girls grow up nothing like you."
He weaponizes my role as a mother—punishing me with the worst imaginable threat: the loss of my children. This is not about the kids’ wellbeing—it’s about power. He’s using my love for them against me. Coercive controllers often use the family court system, Child Protective Services, and contrived "wellness checks" by law enforcement to control an ex-partner. Tragically, children are regularly used as pawns in abusers' quest for control.
“Gonna contact your work Monday… give them all the info they need to dismiss you.”
This is coercive control through financial threat. By targeting my employment, he tries to destroy my independence and credibility. He wants me destabilized enough that I rely on him—or collapse. Women are often bound by abusers' financial ties, especially in a society in which women statistically still earn less than men for doing the same job.
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Career Sabotage
Threats
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Gaslighting & Psychological Warfare
“Your silence is pathetic.”
“Let’s hear it, Chloe.”
“Thanks for all the ammo to bury you.”
"I will be your adversary til the day I die I promise you that."
He frames my boundaries as guilt. He mocks my silence and reflection as cowardice. He twists my compliance (even my apologies!) into evidence of guilt. He ends the last screenshot by vowing to abuse me for the rest of his life. This is psychological warfare—where my every move is wrong, no matter what I do.
“You’re so garbage for taking advantage of [babysitter].”
“So embarrassed to even be associated with you.”
He targets the babysitter—an affirming and supporting person—and tries to poison that relationship too. It’s an attempt to isolate me from an ally and make me feel shame for receiving support. Below I delve deeper into tools often used by coercive controllers in order to completely isolate victims from any source of support.
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Isolation & Undermining Support
Proxy Recruitment, Alliance Grooming, & Smear Campaign
In many cases of coercive control, abusers manipulate third parties (like babysitters, teachers, therapists, or even children) to undermine, isolate, or discredit the victim. This tactic is sometimes referred to as “proxy recruitment” or “alliance grooming." Repeated instances result in a "smear campaign" of the victim, based entirely on the abuser's manipulation tactics.
In both my personal experience as a survivor and in my professional experience as a therapist supporting survivors of coercive control, this might be one of the most heart-breaking and terrifying aspects of coercive control. Once a survivor is finally brave enough to ask for help, she is often dismissed, ignored, mocked, and infantilized.
In this way, in severe cases of coercive control, the abuser has successfully created an entire network, or team, of abusers. Let's break down what this can look like using the implications woven into the text thread above:
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"Did you even think about your children tonight?”
→ Manipulative framing: He appeals to the babysitter’s emotions, implying I was neglectful. This primes the babysitter to see me as irresponsible without context.
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“[Babysitter] was trying to reach you too, she was worried.”
→ Triangulation tactic: He speaks for the babysitter, assuming her concern, which subtly enlists her to validate his narrative.
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“You’ve put [babysitter] in a bad position again.”
→ Recruitment through guilt projection: He makes it seem like I'm causing stress for the babysitter, which may cause her to resent or distrust me.
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“I pay her and treat her well, and you’re the one making her job hard.”
→ Economic loyalty building + blame displacement: He emphasizes that he provides for her, and I'm the one disrupting harmony.
Interpretation Summary:
the coercive controller's proxy recruitment, alliance grooming, & smear campaign
In this message thread, the abuser not only accuses me of wrongdoing but repeatedly positions the babysitter as a witness or passive ally to his version of events. He implies that she was worried about the children, that I caused her stress, and that she’s “on his side” because he compensates her. This is a classic tactic of coercive control: isolating the victim by manipulating others into mistrust. Grooming third parties in this way ensures the abuser’s narrative remains dominant—even in spaces where the victim should feel supported.
Disclaimer
​All screenshots presented on this page are authentic and unaltered excerpts of private communications sent to me. They are shared in accordance with my First Amendment right to speak truthfully about my lived experience.
These messages are not intended to harass or defame any individual, but to provide public awareness and documentation of coercive control, verbal abuse, and the weaponization of parenthood. Names and personal data have been redacted where appropriate.